Captain Seymour DickLogic

19118 ~

Maximum Science!

Autocock field.

A perturbance of the script-time field that can produce wonders and horrors both simultaneously and at the same time.

Best averted.

However, if you cannot avoid being trapped in an Autocock field then the following simple steps may help you avoid frog and bangles with a large herpes of embezzlement on the Wubnut of Plurg!

Don't say Anything.

Daisy Jones.

Few have survived to see her locker.

Binary star: Meatandtwoveg.

Somewhere in the buffer zone between the Manliance and the Hive Collective. This was the scene of one of the greatest space bagels ever seen. The final battleground of Good versus Evil."

Don't you mean The Manliance versus The Hive Collective?

They put the milk in first.

"A thousand Captain Seymour DickLogics? Are you insane?"

To be on this show, that is the least of your problems.

The Five Year Mission!

No one really knows why it's a five year mission, or even which planetary years are used.

To boldly split infinitives that no man has split before.

Join the crew of HMS Upskirt as they venture into The Dangerous Zone and prepare to science the hell out of anything they meet.

(Manliance) Fogmatic Base.

The penulimate stop before entering the dangerous zone. They also brew an excellent anti-fogmatic, which is needed to keep one sane.

The Panchira Quadrant. "The Dangerous Zone."

To boldly go, to seek out and destroy enemy ships seek out and science the hell out of enemy ships in the name of mankind!

Our eventual target will be the twin black hole system of Pleasure and Pain where we will test our new weapons of destruction- scientific instruments...

...where we will science the hell out of any Hive Collective ships we may find. Until we run out of science!

The Difference?

Fundamentally, The Manliance and The Hive Collective are just two galaxy spanning empires that answer to different rulers and put different chemicals up their noses.

He who crashes first, misses the end credits.

An old navel saying. Attributed to Captain Thick Richard at The Battle of Bent Bikini.

The Manliance.

In the Manliance, we value manliness, whether it be manly or womanly. Trust, straight talking manliness. Free medical care for all too, but mostly manliness. If we borrow library books, we return them. The library trusts us, we enter into a social contract and we fulfil it, returning the library books. We don't bluster and blabber about stuff no one cares about.

We stand for freedom (to be manly). Freedom to grow your mullet! Freedom to have a manlificent moustache. Be you pink, green or Paisley.

There's a reason it is called "Mankind" and we are it. Our battletugs are powered by testosterone anti-matter!

Mullets are manly! Chest hair is also manly.

Yes, even knitting can be manly when done right.

The Hive Collective.

Enter into eternal rapture under the grate mother of the hive collective, enjoy being part of the Oestrogenic Wundermind.

Run by the matriarches, known for their complete intolerence of anything manly. We aren't sure why but they don't like us!

They don't like Mullets! Their knitting is horrible too.

The Uglies.

The Uglies are ugly. They also smell funny, likely all that decomposing latex.

It is not known if they can knit, but with the sheer number of arms some of them have, it is safe to say that they would be formidable foes.

(Hive Collective) The Longwangless Fleet.

To be found hanging out in the Cromulent waters, a region of space between the Manliance and the Hive Collective famous for being perfectly cromulent and centered around Planet Frogbottom. Not exactly the safest place to hang out.

Rumoured to be commanded by Admiral Thora Thighgap. It is believe that the entire fleet sprang from her loins fully formed in The Parthenogensis Incident. (First series.) This fleet is sufficiently large to form the double-D formation. It is one of three large fleets that can carry off the breast formation and not look stupid.

Relatively speaking of course, being bright pink notwithstanding.

The breast formation was one of the hive collectives most formidable battle stances. It involved a central circular core of the hardest ships, then a sweeping umbrella of forward armed cruisers and the likes protecting the softer tanker cockships and catering ships inside. It was so called because to the uninitiated, it looked like an awful lot of fire power could squirt at you.

The Cockblock Maneuver.

Sometimes mistakenly called "The Cocknowledge Maneuver" in older text books.

No discussion of space battle tactics would be complete without a discusssion on this subject. A maneuver so audacious and so wasteful on resources that only one fleet captain has ever successfully carried it out.

Twice.

Service guarantees Citizenship.

Only Citizens are allowed mullets.

This is for your own protection, an improperly coiffed mullet can be dangerous. In the service, they train you in essential skills and this is one of them.

Captain Seymour DickLogic.

Glorious Hero, Mullet of Mullets! Wencher of Wenches! Cribbage player extraordinaire

Prone to the occasional senior moment as he has now been in the Navy for over Two Hundred Years, allthough not consequtively. Due to the marvels of cold-sleep, he looks about forty and ruggedly handsome with his perfect physique and chiselled good looks.

Recently accidentally on purpose revived from a badly hidden cold-sleep mausoleum to help combat the menace that is, The Hive Collective.

(Manliance) Doctor Firm-Posterior.

"Don't ask me, I'm just the acting captain. I have a vagina and I know how to use it."

After a brief stint in briefs as the acting captain. She is much happier being the Ship's Vet.

The ship's doctor, her job is to pronounce random redshirts dead keep all the crew up to date with their innoculations. Particularly Space Rabies.

Impossibly cantilevered and possessed of six fingers and six toes, she is also good at stopping the captain flying into a rage and shooting up Star Fleet Command. Even if they do deserve it. She has a cricket bat of calming if things turn serious.

Have you had your Space Rabies shot?

(Manliance) Ensign Truly Lovelyjugs.

A redshirt, current record holder for suviving the most consecutive episodes in which she has made an appearance.

Seven.

Eight if the topless in the bath house incident is included. Nine if this also includes the zero-gravity pool accident that was censored.

Plus another two unverified incidents in the Captain's bathrobe.

Currently lost in space, what idiot fitted warp drives on lifeboats?

She is the scion of The Bunny Nation and thus a very important Plot Device.

(Manliance) The Space Onesie.

The omni-uniform of the manliance, stretchy, form-fitting, stain resistant and highly combustible. A properly fitted Space Onesie effectively conceals the Space Underpants or Ensign Nappies.

Available in a variety of colours, Blue, some sort of orangey-green and red.

Washable!

(Hive Collective) Admiral Manko Maramuncher.

Commander of The Longwangless Fleet.

Hive Collective spawn of Thora Thighgap and all round malevolent child prodigy.

Five feet two metric inches of flat chested blonde with a frilly pink uniform, cat ears a distinctly unphallic magic wand and the attitude of a mentally disturbed honey badger.

Space Bogs.

When a man's gotta go, a man's gotta go.

Older ships had only one Space Latrine for all the redshirts and there had been problems. As a result, all fleet ships have been upgraded with inboard outhouses and some of the more modern ones even flush!

Isn't technology wonderful?

(Manliance) Admiral Smallmitts du Hairypalms.

Everyone knows he hates the Space Marines since wife monumented that erection to their glorious sacrifice on the planet of the walking wombs.

The Gun Deck.

Is it true the gun decks are painted red?

Yes.

Why?

The gun deck is red so enemy spies can't see how manly the crew are.

(Manliance) H.M.S. Cockhammer.

The Cockhammer was a brand new experimental battletug built explicitly for explicit testing of new sciency things like dual-turbo lasers and those things that made zap noises in space.

(Manliance) Weapons Officer: Tiffany Bangbangbangbangkaboom!

She is in charge of all that lovely science.

Are those grenades, claymores or are you just pleased to see me? Blessed with a genetic heritage that gave her prehensile breasts.

Tiffany Bangbangbangbangkaboom was a subscriber to that most manly of cults. A gun not firing is a gun not firing. She had been promoted off every ship she had ever been on for being too trigger happy until she had arrived here where the captain was some sort of curious combination of anti-matter and chiseled testosterone.

Lives in fear of her raging BL fan fiction being discovered.

(Manliance) Science Officer: The Science Officer.

The females of the bridge are always getting on his case. They keep sitting on his instruments.

Master-at-arms: Mister Tripod.

Seven metric feet of towering muscle. He had biceps, he had triceps, he would have had tridecimoseptaceps if he could count that high. Whereas the good captain was merely chiseled perfection, Mister Tripod was machined. No one could remember his real name, not even Mister Tripod himself.

Space Condom.

Some sort of safety device.

(Manliance) Wangsplitter Torpedoes.

To be quite honest, they aren't really that good, but they make a lovely explosion. Fortunately, we have Research Probes.

(Manliance) HMS Upskirt.

A science ship.

(Manliance) Planet Bicycle.

So named due to its curious equatorial storms.

The whole system is somewhat curious being a pink main sequence and a blue super-giant binary star where all the planets are trapped in a circular orbit around the centre of mass.

Doctor Firm-Posterior has named the stars Yoni and Lingam for some reason but as she never gets out, I think it is fair to let her name a new system every once in a while. Having only two real planets and eighteen gas giants this system is classified as a Type IV curio.

(Manliance) Captain Horatio TrouserSnake.

What idiot gave this man a fleet?

(Hive Collective?) The Vagendra of Manocide.

The supreme ruler of the Planet of Bunny Girls. Cursed with eternal lolly, lovely dark black hair and dark red eyes and a surfeit of ands caused by a shortage of commas. Her word is absolute and so is her temper.

Accountant Zarse.

In an infinite universe with an infinite number of stellar objects, running out of sensible names would be an issue. If they had started with sensible names.

They did not.

P.S. This is a wormhole.

P.P.S. As this is a wormhole, it wanders in a non-relativistic way. It is the last known location of Ensign Lovelyjugs and somewhere near the desolate Wight of Blankers.

Plot Device!

Don't ask, some things are not meant to be known.

(First Season) Ancient History

Before rising to the rank of Captain, Seymour DickLogic was a redshirt.

Legend, for all the records were destroyed when the Hive Collective bombarded the cosmogalactistarbase with the Oestrogenic Torpedoes in the Year of The Stomping Wombat, that he served on the USS BigBottom under Captain Chalice Crotch.

Even as a red shirt he was already chiselling himself for manly perfection success. Collecting medals for bravery, masculinity, and masculine bravery like they were going out of fashion. Indeed, some of them did, becoming super rare collectors items. Before going to the officer school on planet Forklift-Booty, he had acquired some five layers of fruit vomit. Including but not limited to such ignoble awards as:

Maximum Science!

The last thing an enemy of Captain Seymour DickLogic hears.

Assuming of course that they have the Space Receiver turned on...

(Hive Collective) The Rainbow Labia.

A Spliff-class cruiser currently operating as a picket ship.

(Manliance) Balls.

The official measure of how serious things are on deck.

Ranging from Brass ~ through Carborundum ~ all the way to Shiny Unobtanium ~.

(Manliance) Captain Horatio Limp-Trousersnake.

In serious debt after calling for a Code Paisley.

(Manliance) Admiral Thick Richard.

Lost his fleet of Star-Schooners in the battle for the Bigwang. Hive Collective Admiral Maramuncher successfully countered his Cocknowledge maneuver and didn't lose a single ship.

(Hive Collective) The Cosmonipple.

Flagship of the fleet of The Vagendra of Manocide.

(Manliance) The Redshirt.

Official uniform of the Navy. It's red and that's about it really. As body armour goes, it is useless and cannot even stop a determined mosquito. There is no differentiation in genders and it comes in six or more sizes from medium petite, to medium medium to medium large. No medium hambeast or medium landwhale.

Wearing one may cause the usual spontaneous suicidal tendencies. Statistically wearing one makes the wearer 27.5% more likely to die under mysterious circumstances but that may be due to statistical variation.

These uniforms are the key to the Manliance's ridiculous manliness is everything society.

(Hive Collective) Empress Spandex.

Censored.

(Manliance) Communique from episode 16.

Greetings Captain Blah Blah Blah.

As it is now the age of the miniskirt, all manly male persuasion crew will be required to wear the new padded flounderpiece nappies and all female persuasion crew will be required to wear the new miniskirt space onesie together with the new slimline female nappies available in uniform matching colours with optional polkadot and uniform fishnet tights. Blah blah, it goes on about the size of the flounder and the narwhal option. Blah blah,

signed Rear-Admiral Admiral-Flabby-Posterior.

(Manliance) The Astrogator.

The astrogator, being a robot, was completely unfazed until he realised that being a robot, gender was just a flip of a bit and oo, fishnet.

(Manliance) The Engine Room Nurses.

They go to eleven.

And it is here in the Steam Rooms of spaceships that we find the last of the true space nurses frolicking and gambolling amongst the fluted columns and rotating machinery of their ancient ancestral home.

The Steam Room! A place of unimaginable power and throbby things, delightfully decorated with Victorian wrought ironwork because it helps to absorb stray particles.

Here they don't just split the atom as much as rip its electrons off and beat it to death with them. Fortunately medical art in C24.5 is amazing.

(Manliance) The Manspreader Drive.

These enormous Subspace steam engines (diesels on more modern ships) only work when they can get a grip on the firmament and in subspace, there is only Zuul. No wait, subspace is a frictionless dimensionally inverted region which converts depth to distance and colour to time, which is bluish for some reason. The deeper you dive the further and faster you travel.

On Scientific Research ships such as The HMS Upskirt drives are tuned beyond mere hyper-perfection and typically run one millibar below the instantaneous glory limit.

(Manliance) Matron Copperbottom.

Chief of engineering, in charge of the Engine Room Nurses.

(Manliance) Nurse Corblimey!

The only crew member with an exclamation mark in her name and holds the distinction of being 115% cyborg.

Just asking her name crashes so many computers it is funny.

(Manliance) Lube Cannons.

Not strictly weapons as such, although they do share most of the common parts with the Mark LXIV Penetrator magneto-launcher, they have been modified to fire space lube which is normally used to get into the sub-aether in emergencies.

(Hive Collective) The Orgasmatron.

Recently overhauled, this is the ultimate fate for those who disappoint The Vagendra of Manocide. It has three settings, five minutes, the full half hour and until the next episode.

Now has a Fairlight.

None survive.

Haddocking.

If you have to ask, you've just earned a dishonourable discharge from the Navy.

(Manliance) Lord of the Wangs.

A Captain's Escape Shuttle. A classic cigar ship shape in a glorious combination of polished hull metal and large pink landing fins. It can sleep two in comfort and contains enough supplies to do that for an entire season.

(Manliance) Admiral Sir Manley Powers.

His desk is so large his secretary has a bicycle. It takes three hours to walk around.

(Manliance) Miss Ab Fab.

Secretary of Evil to Admiral Sir Manley Powers. Her daughter is, for plot reasons, in the Hive Collective. Where she's the supreme ruler of the planet of bunny girls.

Holo-bra's are prone to overheating.

To negotiate.

"How many missiles in negotiate?"

"None. We checked very thoroughly. No missiles in negotiate at all. We call them torpedoes now."

"How-"

"None sir. No torpedoes, turbo lasers or well, to be brutally honest, nothing that explodes at all."

(Manliance) Admiral Pencil Richard.

Retired, posthumously 80 years before The Battle of Blunt Object.

A known associate of Captain Seymour DickLogic, they were in the same class in academy. Famous for always negotiating the babes.

(Manliance) Communications officer third class Slime Dispenser.

Prone to forgetting her space nappies. She is in charge of the sound effects on the bridge.

Recently promoted to second class for the judicious use of the word "oops."

(Manliance) Protocols Officer Plunging Cleavage.

Only shows up when negotiations are called for. A strange woman who completely believes that missiles are not for negotiating.

Maximum Thrusting.

You should never use minimum thrusting in a big space shrimp, it looks weird.

When you are at Maximum Thrusting, there is only one way to go: MAXIMUM THRUSTING IN CAPITALS!

Charge the lightning field!

Sorry sir, wrong script.

(Manliance) HMS Manitoba.

One of the Great Battleships.

Manitoba was a monster volcano on Old Urf, it had erupted with a force of a thousand carnations and drowned a whole continent in effluent. Or something.

Also lost in a parking accident. They were in the wrong slot.

(Manliance) HMS Flatuence.

Irrepairably damaged in a parking accident. Formerly the fastest destroyer ever made:

Made the Kessel run in ten parsecs while gooned on plutonium nyborg.

(Manliance) HMS Priapus.

Little is know about this pointy ship. Basically a cannon on wheels that can only shoot straight ahead. Horrible dispersion.

Captured by a Ship's Cat. Returned by the Hive Collective when they realised how useless it was. Still painted pink.

(Hive Collective) The Thunder Crotch Fleet.

One of the larger Hive Collective Fleets, almost all of which is in for repainting after a series of accidents in The Fog Clouds of Forboding Episode.

(Hive Collective) The Gorgozola of Infinite Delights.

A Camel Case Class Ship. It's yellow and they have two more. Commanded by Inspector Rancid The Trout, a military police ship. "You have nothing to fear from her except her halitosis. Which, come to think of it, is a pretty good reason to be scared."

Lost with all hands, feed and other appendages in the car park orbitting planet Nurse LXIX.

Official reason: Negotiations breakdown.

(Hive Collective) Captain Pelvic Thrust.

Of The Vulnavia, a Hive Collective negiotiation ship. Deserving of some captainly love, say 10 or so missiles. It's pink.

He didn't return his library books either.

Lord Masticator's Unequalled Toffee.

Now available in several flavours! When you need toffee, why stop for anything less than the best. If not better! Now in six sensual flavours!

• Caramel.
• Goddammit-F*ing-Mint.
• Flugehorn and Poodle.
• Baked Mucus.
• Sousaphone.

Beans on cosmogalactitoast.

Baked beans, full power.