Code tafetta!

The bridge is quiet, even the thing that goes ping is quiet as the HMS Upskirt orbits the mysterious flat planet where the shuttle containing a hopefully alive Ensign Lovelyjugs appears to have landed in the middle of a flat plain.

Captain Seymour DickLogic is busy furrowing, clenching or chiselling in the captain's man cave and best not disturbed because...

Weapons Officer Tiffany Bangbangbangbangkaboom was looking for things to shoot, it was in her job description. Her brother Buck would have already nuked the planet from orbit because he was a Space Marine and they were like that. If they weren't killing things, they were looking for things to kill. The Marines really got a lot of bang for their Buck. Especially since he had invented the priapic cannon. "There's the captain's shuttle, Lord of the Wangs. Any life on board?"

The captain's escape shuttle, missing for several episodes now, was a classic cigar ship design in a glorious combination of polished hull metal and large pink landing fins. It could sleep two in comfort and contained enough supplies to do that for an entire season.

"Nope." The science officer had a headache as he'd been standing too close to the weapons officer and she'd turned around. The weapons officer was holding a bandage to his head without using her hands. He was at risk of having his head crushed.

"Away team?" the weapons officer whispered. Suddenly everyone was whispering. Even the master-at-arms and he had nothing to say.

"Can we borrow any Redshirts?" The science officer whispered and this wasn't the headache.

The astrogator perked up, "can I go? I know where the redskirts are hidden."

"But you're a robot."

"That's sexist! All my fans will go all SJW on you!"

Tiffany Bangbangbangbangkaboom drooled at that threat, "Oh goody, I have forty-seven shooters and fishnet torpedoes."

The last thing anyone needed was Tiffany going mediaeval so the science officer interrupted, "Yes, of course you can. If you can get Nurse Corblimey! to come as well, just in case you fall in a bottomless pit filled with drop bears again."

The astrogator recognised a trick promise when he heard one, being a robot and all, everyone was always treating him like a robot. However, being a robot he also knew everyone's comlink number, "Nurse?" And, even better, he knew the nurse's soft spot, it was hidden in her frills.

"Yes darling?" The unmistakeable voice of Nurse Corblimey! The only member of the Eastern arm of starfleet with an exclamation mark in her name. Just asking her name crashed so many computers it was funny.

"Code tafetta."

"Ooh! Of course darling! I'll just get my frilly hair band." The nurse called everyone darling, even Mister-Tripod and he ate girders for breakfast. You did not argue with him and expect to survive unbent.

"Problem solved." The astrogator beamed at the science officher, the weapons officer looked saddened that she wouldn't be able to feed any SJWs to the tribbles.

"While you're at it, astrogator, how can we orbit a completely flat planet?"

"Oo er, missus!"

Ping!

"What about the captain?" The first officer asked because he absolutely had to rain on people's parades. It was in the job specification along with not being able to date any of the redskirts, of which they had a copious surplus due to lack of away teams.

"Hell no, you want to get us all killed?" That solved that problem. "To the transporter room!"

After they left, the first officer rang the doorbell on the Captain's man cave and was surprised when Doctor Firm-Posterior answered wearing only a glass of champagne. It was so unfair that the captain needed so much counselling. He was told to pretend nothing was happening and the replacement announcer ensign would do anything for chocolate mint ice cream.

The first officer looked around the empty bridge and the poor announcer ensign in her announcing corner of swooning. She looked up expectantly, "do you have any chocolate sauce?"

One of the nice things about starfleet was that there were very few ugly people. Likewise there were very few stupid people below the rank of Commander. And obesity was unknown, away teams needed to be super fit just in case the planet was hungry. The result was the gorgeous announcer redskirt had a completely non-regulation side-pony, glasses and cute as buttons freckles.

"Yes."

"Then why are we still here?" She pulled the emergency release for the swoon-proof harness of protection from excessive manliness and squeaked when her space onesie practically exploded. "Kya!" She recovered her composure, "order out for a spare uniform for me please." They left the bridge on the turbolift.

Ping?

---

Mister Tripod did not like planets, they didn't move right. They didn't smell right either but that might have been Ensign Shoulder-Ornament testing perfume for Doctor Firm-Posterior. Nor did Ensign Shoulder-Ornament as she was draped across his considerable shoulders doing feather boa impressions. "Well," the master-at-arms grunted manfully, not captainly manly, just normal manly. "They take their flat earth way too seriously." They could see all the way to the edge of the sound stage in every direction except the strange castle painted on the back-drop. Nothing to shoot.

"Nurse Corblimey?" Tiffany also looked for things to shoot, nothing at all. She had to try again, "nurse Corblimey!" yes, having an exclamation mark in your name was a problem. Best not to ask why the woman from The Steam Room was dressed as a frilly maid. Not why she was frollicking along hand in hand with the astrogator robot. That was a lot of frills too. And enough cleavage to make the science officer drool. It wasn't the size it was the exposure topsides. Yes, the weapons officer was jealous, the space onesie hid everything.

"The shuttle seems fine, we can fly it back up. Well, the robot can. Can't you dearie?"

"And Ensign Truly Lovelyjugs?" The science officer focussed on the nipples at hand, Tiffany Bangbangbangbangkaboom's weapons of supreme boobulance.

"That's where it gets weird. I think the shuttle has been tampered with. The clock is so fast we'd be in the ninth series. But the sensors report no activity for three seasons. Not the two or three episodes they should be saying."

"That's long enough to have a baby."

"Ensign Lovelyjugs."

"Oh, right. A litter. When did it land?" The science officer had to face away, the weapon's officer's weapons had put someone's eye out before. She rested them on his shoulders and he nearly fainted, at least it was better than her trying to crush his head.

"Last season, on autopilot. So she probably wasn't on board. However, someone opened the hatch from the outside."

"That was you just now!"

"On the other side of the wormhole. The Lord of the Wangs is unarmed, and remarkably pointly." The science officer pointed out. Quite why the Captain's escape total destruction shuttle was a sub-space drive equipped classic cigar ship was anyone's guess. Likely another of those dreadful plot devices!

Boop!

Mister Tripod knew what that meant. It meant cliffhanger ending. Who was outside the wormhole, who did they know who had a thing for cigar ships? Well, she didn't have a thing but well, she had a dock for cigar ships.

The Vagendra of Manocide!