Captain Seymour DickLogic
19118 ~
TV
19118 ~
"Iyan! Not there!"
Captain Seymour Dicklogic furrowed his brown and glared glaringly at the glare from the viewscreen. He made a mental note to have the focus fixed, everything was fuzzy. In fact, everything really was fuzzy, even the firm and well defined posterior of Doctor Firm Posterior was fuzzy. He glanced at the Science Officer.
"Captain, have you noticed how everything is all fuzzy?"
"Indeed, Science Officer. Did we fire the focus puller or the gaffer?"
"No sir, although perhaps we should ask the weapons officer where they are. What you are seeing is microgravity perturbations caused by that." The science officer pointed at the screen.
It was dark, and fuzzy, yet mostly just dark.
"Sorry sir, someone put the lens cap on!" An ensign rushed out with a ladder and climbed into a ventilation shaft unused since the horrific SMUT episode from series two. A second later his head poked out and he victoriously waved a plastic cap.
The screen was still dark and fuzzy, but now they could see that it was a malevolent shade of dark black with traces of purple swirling around. Captain Seymour Dicklogic clenched his fists, he knew that pattern. "A black hole."
"Iyan!"
The science officer shook his head and wished he could furrow his brow as effectively as their esteemed captain. Perhaps then he would be ankle-deep in babes, head down. "it's worse than that, he's dead Jim. Sorry, It's worse than that, it's a disney black hole!"
A thundering chord frightened everyone.
"Sorry! Wrong button! That was supposed to be the door effect." Communications Officer Third Class Slime Dispenser was holding the fort and had visions of an extra thin redskirt in her near future.
Captain Seymour Dicklogic frowned, "SO, Could this be a Hive Collective Plot Device?"
"No sir, this is a wild black hole-"
"Iyan!"
"Doctor, not now." The captain waved her away.
"Too big for a plot device."
"Suggestions?"
"Maximum Thrusting and try to skirt around the rim." The Science Officer gesticulated wildly, set to music, it would have been awesome.
Captain Seymour Dicklogic saw the light, still fuzzy though, "ah, a rim job. Engines to MAXIMUM THRUSTING IN CAPITALS!"
"Iyan!" Doctor Firm Posterior squeaked, "Sorry sir, I'll just go make sure the bed is warm, I mean the sick bay is warm."
Thundering Chord, even better than before! Communications Officer third class Slime Dispenser throbbed, "Sorry! Someone has changed all the effect buttons. Look." She pressed the one for the thundering dramatic chord number 3.
Meep!
The Science officer noticed something when checking his scanners, "Captain, the sensors indicate a lovely shade of blue. I mean, There's a ship trapped in the event horizon."
"Nope, not going there." The captain was not captain by birth, he knew the dangers of lost plot devices. He pressed the button for the intercom. "Engine Room Chief Nurse, we need MORE THRUSTING!"
The Nurse wailed, "I've giv'n her all she's got captain, an' I canna give her no more."
The Science Officer knew this one though, "Time dilation effects mean we will be due several years of back pay and furlough if we survive the *mas special episode."
"More thrusting? Right away sir!"
"Helm, prepare for Ludicrous speed."
The master-at-arms, Tiffany Bangbangbangbangkaboom looked up from her console sadly. "that means I have about a hundred photon torpedoes that will be past their sell by date."
Captain Seymour Dicklogic pointed at the screen and distant ship, "target practice is waiting for you."
"Sir, yes sir!"
"Charge the lightning field! Sorry sir, wrong script."
It was glorious and much thrusting was had by all as HMS Upskirt survived the episode without losing a single redskirt.