Put that away nurse!

Communications Officer 3rd Class Slime Dispenser aboard HMS Upskirt, their five year mission; to science the hell out of anything and everything. Currently orbiting the free planet of Crinolene Crotch seventieth planet in the Nurse Cluster, but one of the had been demoted to a dwarf-planet, much to the annoyance of the Royal Astronomer. Negotiations have been requested, apparently the Hive Collective has offered them membership.

The negotiating committee consists of a number of rank officers and a few that don't smell as bad. Communications Officer 3rd Class Slime Dispenser felt out of place in such esteemed company as the brave and magnificent hero of the First, Second and third Hive Wars, Captain Seymour Dicklogic and his doctor, Doctor Firm Posterior. Since this was negotiations, the first negotiation had started at the shuttle.

"No missiles?" Captain Seymour Dicklogic clenched his fists. A captain is never without his missiles, the more the merrier.

"No sir." Protocols Officer Plunging Cleavage checked her book of protocols for negotiations. IT ruled out pretty much any weapon or device more dangerous than a tamagochi.

"What about-"

"not permitted."

"And-"

"Definitely not! No weapons at all!" Plunging had to pat the Captain down to make sure he wasn't hiding anything naughty. It made her breathe heavily.

"Mine." Doctor Firm Posterior moved a hand.

"Not a weapon." Plunging Cleavage panted, the Doctor must have watched too many movies, her stethoscope doubled as nun-chuckers.

"Technically, but the Vangendra of Manocide would debate that point. Would you like to meet her? I have her phone number."

The protocol officer nearly fainted. The Vagendra of Manocide, one of the most superlative foes that the Manliance had ever faced. Tamer of worlds, wearer of spandex and blessed with a remarkable pair of torpedoes. Currently the Manliance's Number two enemies. And that was just her breasts. She held four of the top enemy slots! Why did the Doctor have her phone number? Struggling to bring her breathing under control before her bodice ripped, Plunging Cleavage sighed deeply. "Very well, this time, Captain Seymour Dicklogic, I will be carrying out the negotiations. You are to remain strictly ornamental and resist the temptation to put your foot in it. Again."

Captain Seymour Dicklogic wondered if he had ever put his foot in it. He asked, which was a mistake, but furrowing his brow worked well enough.

"You backed into HMS Flatulence in the galactipark and did a billion credits of damage to the fastest destroyer ever. It made the kessel run in ten parsecs while gooned on plutonium nyborg."

"Backwards." Communications Officer third class Slime Dispenser knew that story.

"The loss of the Great Battleship, HMS Manitoba."

The communications officer knew this one two, Manitoba was a monster volcano on Old Urf, it had erupted with a force of a thousand carnations and drowned a whole continent in effluent. Or something.

"It was an accident. They were parked in the wrong slot."

The Master-at-arms wasn't allowed on the shuttle, instead she gave the communications officer a fluffy toy huggable pillow thing to take. "Press the button if the stress gets too much for you. I find pressing buttons is great stress relief. It's a pacifier."

Finally the shuttle left for the negotiation platform, the massive geostationary trade station that Crinolene Crotch, the LXIX'th planet of the Nurse system (subject to verification) had built. This station made this planet quite valuable as a source of tax revenue to either side.

"Oh look, The HMS Priapus is in dock." Doctor Firm Posterior pointed out the window, she wondered if the handle would wind it down, but as they weren't wearing space suits, desisted. In the Manliance, stupidity was rewarded with consequences. She only had to wear the red skirt for three more episodes now.

"Silly thing, only thing that cannon on wheels can do is shoot straight ahead. Horrible dispersion, couldn't hit the Vagendra's Thunder Crotch fleet and it was right in there. Missed every single ship and was captured by a ship's cat!" Captain Seymour Dicklogic did not like that ship. "They painted it pink and paraded it around to show how useless we are." He grunted manfully and glanced at the Doctor sitting next to him, wondering quite why she was so familiar with ship silhouettes. "What about that thing."

"That is the Hive Collective Flagship. It is Camel Case Class Too." Doctor Firm Posterior noted that she should have worn underwear, the fake leather seats were sticky and she wanted to to fart. A glance at her trusty notebook, "they have three. That one, from the yellow colour is er... That One Is The Gorgonzola of Infinite Delights."

"Do we know the captain?"

"I am afraid not." Doctor Firm Posterior had an issue to issue and her buttocks were stuck to the seat. This might be embarrassing. "Slime Dispenser?"

"Sorry ma'am."

Doctor Firm Posterior had an idea not involving loosening her seat-belt or anything. Shuttle pilots were actually trained as taxi drivers. They were certified insane. She pulled out her phone and called someone.

"Who dares disturb me?"

"Hi, silly question, who is the captain of The Gorgonzola of Infinite Delights?" Doctor Firm Posterior's voice jumped up two octaves and she simpered most effectively.

"Just a second." the voice on the other end clearly thought they pressed the mute button and that Firm was listening to nausea inducing hold music that was banned from the torture chambers by galactic treaty. "Mistress at arms, have that messenger sent to the planet of porridge by parcel post."

"Ma'am, yes ma'am!"

"Oh, Why would you want to meet the Gorg, those ships are like cheese, a bit of heat and they melt. Not a real battleship at all."

"I'm going to some negotiation party and I can see it in the parking lot. Looks a bit-"

"Rancid."

"Well-"

"Inspector Rancid The Trout. You have nothing to fear from her except her halitosis. Which, come to think of it, is a pretty good reason to be scared. That is the Military Police." The Vagendra, much like Captain Seymour Dicklogic, had no love for them. "They wrote me out of half a season for supposed infractions. May they drown in mouthwash."

"Seymour says you destroyed a civilian planet during the credits."

"They would not serve me alcohol, tried to card me too!"

Doctor Firm Posterior sighed, "Oh, that's all right then. Would they be negotiators?"

"No chance, cannon fodder, low grade," this time there was a burst of hold music. Doctor pointed the phone at their Protocols officer and even through two rows of seats it caused her hair to curl. "Captain Pelvic Thrust's negotiating team are in that area. They are your most likely candidate. Look for a ship, The Vulnavia. Donate them some captainly love, ten or so torpedoes worth and a message. You did not return your library books."

"Thank you. I'll bake some cakes next time."

"Excellent, give darling my love."

"He is busy furrowing his brow."

"Must be serious." the phone cut off. So now they knew who they were to face down, Captain Pelvic Thrust.

"Doctor ma'am, that's the Vulnavia ahead." Slime pointed, then howled as the shuttle thrusted thrustingly sideways, deeper into the unwashed rank and file of smaller ships! Seconds later their left windows went dark as something crashed into the back of The Vulnavia and rendered it a space pretzel.

After that, they docked in the exclusive bay of negotiations without incident of note. Three taxis, two space yachts and whatever that huge pink blob was.

"Zero gravity negotiation?" Doctor Firm Posterior now really disliked being a redskirt. Everything was on show as static electricity plastered the skirt to her woolly top. Slime Dispenser needed immediate medical attention for a nose-bleed. Harmless on a planet, a risk of drowning in zero-G. She smoothed them down and used a bit of medical glue to stick her skirts to her thighs for the duration. "Protocols officer? Zero-G-geborins?"

Protocols officer Plunging Cleavage tried to nod, but that was a mistake. Everything was telling her to barf. She startled when handed a sweet.

"I find Lord Masticator's Unequalled Toffee really helps. It distracts your brain from the disturbing sensations, oh, if you don't like caramel flavour. I have Goddammit-Fing-Mint, Flugelhorn and Poodle and Baked Mucus flavour." The doctor held up the packet, "mm, Sousaphone!" she popped one in her mouth too.

"Caramel is perfectly acceptable." Plunging popped the toffee in her mouth and was amazed at how quickly the sense of nausea went away. Replaced by awe, this toffee was unequalled. If she had been paying attention, she would have noticed that the doctor had two packets of toffees.

"Greetings, representatives of the Hive Collective, Ambassador Third Class, Wombat Throbbing and representative of the Manliance, Captain Seymour Dicklogic." An old man in demi-formal and magnetic robes of a hemi-mayor intoned. The magnets in his robe held him to the deck, giving him an advantage over the others.

Captain Seymour Dicklogic clenched his fists, surveying the enemy through his furrowed brow, he grunted manfully. "It is a pleasure to be in such esteemed company."

Doctor Firm Posterior wondered if he was a pod person. That was so unlike his manliness. She looked at the enemy, the other negotiating team. Nah, enemy was fine. They were Hive Collective, they didn't have mini-skirts, they didn't even have strawberry crepes!

"Indeed, you are Captain Seymour Dicklogic," Captain Pelvic Thrusting saluted somewhat derisively, her costume was poorly fitting at the best and in zero-gravity her bra was trying to strangle her. "We have heard much of your work, never once would we expect to see you dragged to the negotiating ring with no weapons other than words."

"I too, have heard of Captain Pelvic Thrusting. I hear you didn't return your library books."

The Protocols officer seemed to be having trouble, she couldn't speak. Communications Officer third class Slime Dispenser tried to help her and accidentally let her huggable pillow go, The captain rescued it. He'd never seen a fluffy cosmo-galacti-space-mine before but that never slowed him down. He locked eyes with Slime Dispenser and she nearly made a lake, a slight nod meant, get back to the shuttle and she did, escorting the incapacitated negotiator and waking the driver, telling them to get ready to drive for his life.

"That is a viscous lie!"

The demi-mayor of the planet below watched bemusedly. It seemed that the negotiations were going swimmingly. In truth, they had no plans to join either side, but this was the only way prevent either side forcing the issue. Negotiation without torpedoes. "As these negotiations are understandably important to the entire population of our world, they are being recorded for later broadcast." he indicated the cameras. "Perhaps you could illuminate us to what benefits membership in your respective empires would bring us. Let's face it, regardless of what you call yourselves, you are just galaxy spanning empires answering to different rulers."

This seemed to be some sort of trigger word for the Hive Collective negotiator. She began a long winded speech about the various benefits that membership and servitude under The Grate Mother of The Hive Collective, the Oestrogenic Wundermind would bring.

Captain Seymour Dicklogic yawned, he noticed the Doctor making a funny face. Zero gravity politely ignored him as he picked her up in a fireman's carry and tossed the fluffy toy at the enemy to cancel out the rotation. "In the Manliance, we value manliness, whether it be manly or womanly. Trust, straight talking manliness. Free medical care for all too, but mostly manliness. If we borrow library books, we return them. The library trusts us, we enter into a social contract and we fulfil it, returning the library books. We don't bluster and blabber about stuff no one cares about." He waved the doctor's bottom in their general direction. "It is my considered opinion that Planet Nurse LXIX should remain free, but should the Hive Collective wish to alter that, we will defend them. Not because we can, but because we want to. Freedom is valuable."

"Oh noes!" Doctor Firm Posterior blushed. The captain squeezed her and the blast was incredible. "Kya times three at least!" They missed every single bit of hardware, railings, a camera, stage lighting and the teleprompter too. Sailing backwards down the air-lock passage without touching anything.

Communications officer third class Slime Dispenser triggered the door and the emergency disconnect as the captain landed in his seat with the Doctor next to him. Not having touched anything all the way from the negotiating ring.

"Seatbelts! Drive!" Slime Dispenser ordered. The shuttle spun away and raced back to the HMS Upskirt. "I lost my pacifier. Captain Pelvic Thrusting is being rushed to the Gorgonzola by the surviving members of her team."

"No worry, message delivered, call the bridge, tell them to prepare for possibly unnecessary science." Captain Seymour Dicklogic grunted, "Firm?"

"Beans on cosmogalacti-toast for breakfast today." The doctor was blushing almost the same colour as her redskirt, for some reason it was now all bleached.

"Well done."

"Captain, the Upskirt is ready for science." Slime dispenser reported, never mind it was way above a third-class, "ooh, crap!" She checked the script, "sorry sir. Oh dear, something bad is happen soon." she would make them eat the grammer checker head first. "Incoming radio from the Gorg."

"Damn you, Captain Seymour Dicklogic. What kind of fiend are you?"

Captain Seymour Dicklogic smiled, "the kind that wins, my friend." he grunted manfully.

The Gorgonzola exploded. No preamble what so ever, just one minute big yellow ship, next minute, big yellow ship full of blazing holes.

"Oops." Slime Dispenser noted, earning herself a promotion to second class with just one perfectly timed word.