Captain Seymour Dicklogic - Onions.

~ follows the quest to find a real captain and science the hell out of any Hive Collective ships they happen to find on the way.

"Science the hell out of?" The first officer arched his eyebrows so far up his forehead that one slammed into his hairline and caused it to recede violently. "Really, acting captain Doktor Firm-Posterior?"

"Don't ask me, I'm just the acting captain. I have a vagina and I know how to use it."

"Does yours go to eleven like the engine room nurses'" The science officer had a communications officer draped over his shoulders today. It helped far more than it should have. Her redskirt helpfully cancelling out the azure hue.

"I'll let you know when we find a real captain." The captain noted, "Pilot, I think... you're coming in a little high, man."

The pilot waved dismissively, "Look man, if there's one thing I know, it's how to drive while I'm stoned. It's like you know your perspiration is forked so you just let your hands work the controls as if you were dire straits."

"Autocock field still decaying captain."

"Turn left at that micro-moon."

"I think you mean turn to port."

"Oh no, I'm a doctor not an engine room nurse. No hard stuff on duty. Double grog if we survive this episode, bosun."