Captain Seymour Dicklogic - Origins.

Having applied plentiful science to the Hive Collective ship with the Autocock field projectors, the crew are feeling much better and the away team has landed on the frozen moon of iamnotadeathstarhonest while the HMS Upskirt sulks in the shadows of a particularly large crater.

"Captain, hurry up. Sensors are indicating an Azure Hue!" The plaintive voice of Communications toy officer Slime Dispenser came through the communicators, "The Science Officer went all jellyslime!"

That was serious, it took a lot to melt a science officer and too much azure hue was one of them. "Again? Can you tell what colour it is this time?"

"Azure? According to the bridge teleprompter, it's a pair of Gazonga-class Hive Collective cruisers and they will be here before the end of the episode!"

"We can't beam back now, we still have all our red shirts."

FOOM!

"Had." The Captain sighed, "We found the tomb and are looking for the entraince. Wait, why are you on the communicator?"

Communications toy Slime Dispenser had a good answer for that one, "I'm a communications toy, ma'am. It's my job. The rest of the bridge crew seem to be zorched on ice-cream. The pilot keeps talking about space octopii too."

"Very well, turn the lights off and keep the volume down, maybe they will think we went to bed early." The captain ordered. Then went back to looking at the tomb to the grated cheese hero, Captain Seymour Dicklogic. Strange that the remaining pockets of autocock field were swirling around them.

"We could try the exhaust vent at the end of that canyon." A red shirt volunteered, why not get it over quickly.

"Of you go then," the master-at-arms Tiffany Bangbangbangkaboom waved in the general direction of the canyon, she did not like the pressure suits for waltzing around on frozen moons, they looked weird, like they were designed by a fasion designer instead of for a purpose. The ruffles were annoying and the hose made he rlegs look fat.

"Yes ma'am! This is red five, I'm goin gin!"

Silence, the away team waited with bated breath. Not too bated since a previous episode where no less than five redshirts had exploded. Finally they heard the beep of the communicator.

"It's a toilet. It's pink with blue toilet roll and no octopus."

No octopus, the legends clearly menioned the octopus. The master at arms shrugged. It was time for an advert break and they still hadn't found the way into the tomb.

Nor had they seen a single octopus.

---

And so, our gallant heroes quest, through thick and thin, across interminable advert breaks like the last one which was long enough to make a cuppa, they persevered until the arrived on the moon at the foot of the tallest tower, the pink one barely three floors high, no, the one on the left. Up a bit, yes that one! Where was I?

"Am I going to have to send for the Science Officer? Has no one got any idea how to get into this tower-" Acting Captain Doktor Firm-Posterior lamented, wishing she could furrow her fists. "Without destroying it." She added for the benefit of the Master-at-arm. She kicked the tasteless doormat petulantly and it sailed away, the moon's gravity pulling it gently down into the canyon nearby. A large shiny key was revealed. "Well, that was embarrassing."

FOOM!

"And that was just plain stupid." She frowned.

"Only three redskirts left Ma'am."

Our intrepid heroes flung open the door to the tallest tower on the entire moon, pinkness notwithstanding, look, that tower, not the mushrooms! The tower... Our intrepid heroes-

FOOM!

Arrive at the top of the tallest tower and find it is tastefully decorated in shades of pink. On arrival and

FOOM!

Spuriously detonating from too much pink, the remaining team members find a large four poster hyperpotamus size mark nine captain's excape bed also covered in pink paint. And no octopus.

"What if he is alive?" The Second Officer mused.

"Over a hundred and fifty years of back pay. Compound interest, overtime in inconceivable amounts, the two currency collapses and the unforseen plot device, that would be about a zillion cosmogalactinanodollars." The spurious officer who would become the new first officer if he managed to avoid taking bribes from the Hive Collective wench battalion noted.

"One ice cream." Tiffany Bangbangbangkaboom noted, peeling a layer of the pink paint off and finding another layer underneath. Time for the blaster set to Golden Brown.

"Thereabouts. maybe a double 99 on a cheap planet. Oh!"

"What?" The pink paint had retreated from the warming rays of the blaster and revealed a large airlock with an octopus logo on it. Underneath that were the instructions on reviving the occupant.

"Oh indeed. Any redshirts of the female pervesion left?" The actiing captain looked around, there was one left, that must mean the end of the episode was imminent.

"Only you, ma'am. Would you like the installation manual? I have several." The future first officer offered. "Practical Primate puff-puff is probably the best, but I also have Dame Potrzebie's the compleat monkey and other primates. Oh, and The Haynes Barbarian Lord Owners' Workshop Manual." He glanced in it briefly, "looks promising."

"I see you came prepared, Fnarr." The acting captain took the Haynes guide.

"We're under attack too." The remaining redshirt pointed out the window. "The Hive Collective fleet are here."

"Does anyone have an octopus?"

"The Hive Collective do, they seem to have issues with a space creature!"

"TOO MUCH AZURE HUE CAPTAIN!" The panicked voice of Communications plaything Slime Dispenser blurted out of their communicators. "The Hive ships appear to be under attack from a space kraken."

"There's our octopus."

"You'll never fit one of those in there, this isn't the Rowlingiverse." The captain pointed at the door and was rather surprised when handed a pair of fluffy gloves that looked like octopii.

"Look after them, Nurse Turbine made them. so remember to thank her too." The future first officer went to the window and sighed deeply too. This was space, even with two stars illuminating the frozen moon, there was nothing to see. Just blackness and the occasional ZOWNT noises of lasers firing in space.

"Wish me luck, and do something about the hive collective." The acting captain operated the outer lock with one of her octopus mittens, the pink one. "Release experiment sixty on them."

"EXPERIMENT SIXTY! AZURE HUE AZURE HUE!" The poor communications plaything couldn't cope with ths. Experiment Sixty was a top secret azure hue plot device that could rend plots into tiny pieces faster than both Captain Seymour Dicklogic fans!

Experiment sixty was: The Space Goats.