HMS Upskirt.

Captain Seymour Dicklogic admired the bridge of his ship, The HMS Upskirt. It clearly dated from when ships were statement. The only plastic visible on the bridge was the Communications Loofah, and even that was fake plastic.

Wooden decks, carved wooden chairs, a proper ship's wheel. Blinkenlighten that were real blinkenlighten, none of that frivolous LED stuff. Incandescent filaments all the way. LED's just couldn't azure hue with the authority they needed.

Even better, the hidden speakers, likely real Tannoys, were playing soothing ocean sounds and the creaking of the deck. Even the redshirts were dressed up. They had no idea why, but were they going to argue with hazard pay?

Captain Seymour Dicklogic furrowed his brow and wondered quite why today's crew were dressed as pirates. Doctor Firm-Posterior looked particularly dashing. "So, this caper. How serious is it?"

"The full five years, double-trifle I'm afraid." The first office grumbled throatily. He glared at the Pirate lass, Firm-Posterior and pointed at his throat. These lozenges were amazing.

"Did someone upset anyone?" Captain Seymour Dicklogic was not convinced about the hat, or the parrot, but at least it was being quiet. "Double-trifle is pretty severe."

"I beleive our beloved doctor had words most foul with his excellency, the Wubnut of Plurg. At the end-of-season party." The first officer had a coughing fit, they lozenges gave him a voice almost as manly as the captain. It was... disturbing.

"Not guilty."

"You called him all sorts of fruity names. Including but not limited to, Fatso. Plus you insulted his hairdo." The first officer insisted. It had been a pretty wild party too, but that wasn't relevant.

"That raccoon on his head? The mullet went out of fashion so long ago that we didn't even have space travel. It's one of those fashion anomalies best kept dead." Doctor Firm-Posterior frowned, not a patch on the Captain's brow furrowing powers, but it worked, she had the right tone.

"So, you are not denying that you insulted a very powerful Manliance councillor?"

"Dad? Expecting children to respect parents is unrealistic in the extreme. He said so himself. Even more so when they wear a mullet, platform shoes, spandex and sequinned battle-shorts!"

"I remember sequined battle-shorts." Captain Seymour Dicklogic ejaculated. He wondered where they had gone too.

"We'll have to fix that." the doctor noted.

The parrot wisely said nothing, but the sequins were delicious.