Only half an episode to go!

"ETA to Delta Kappa Thighs Base. Half an episode."

Captain Seymour Dicklogic mulled on this fact, wondering what had happened previously. Why were they going to a base for that matter? He thought about asking the parrot, but it was pulling faces at the Ship's Loofah. He clenched his fists and had a brainwave. "Why do we never see any of the Engine Room Nurses on the bridge? I mean, we have a teaboy."

"Sir!"

"A maid," he had no idea what she was doing, but it was a maid and that was good. She had a battle-mop too. So if war broke out on the bridge, she was going to be the last person standing. And she could clean up the mess.

"That's Communications Plaything Slime Dispenser, sir. She lost a bet playing cribbage last night and has to wear the maid uniform." The Science Officer explained, although he was reluctant to divulge quite why they had been playing cribbage or what the Doctor claimed she was going to spend all her winnings on.

"and er... that." He pointed. It was not at all clear what it was, but it was hairy and rainbow. It moved too.

"Sir?"

"The First Officer, sir! Holodeck 'fro. Happens all the time. Bug in the system." The Science officer explained, wondering why the doctor wasn't on the bridge. Presumably it was time for Space Rabies Booster Shots With Capital Letters again.

"But no one from the engine room." Captain Seymour Dicklogic noted sadly. He'd met the Chief Matron and her amazing knockers before and in the absence of the Doctor, they unfair sex were badly outnumbered today.

"Radiation sir, Azure hue off the plank." The Science Officer explained, wondering quite what the Communications Maid was maiding at that she needed a fully charged Neutrona Mop set to kill.

"Even Matron?"

"Especially Matron, all that cleavage is to prevent her bosom from going critical. Not to worry sir, they have a continuous parts replacement policy."

"I see." Captain Seymour Dicklogic grunted manfully, standing up and wondering why they were listing to port. In space, with the sound of seagulls in the rigging. The parrot moved to the back of the captain's chair. "I shall stalk the corridors manfully."

"Boffo idea captain. Might I suggest the puce deck, the ceiling is particularly high this time of year." The Science Officer disarmed the maid, that mop was lethal. "No look, you set your mop to kill, it should be stun. We always set our weapons to stun. So they can't run away when we eat them."

He got such a look from the Master-at-arms, Tiffany Bangbangbangkaboom. "Cook, not stun." She brandished the script at him.

---

Captain Seymour Dicklogic stalked the corridors of Puce Deck. He stalked the corridors manfully, they were the best corridors for stalking. Puce Deck was special, not a single azure hue to be seen. Not like turquoise deck, which was closed for pomfreys again. Indeed the ceilings were high here, ideal for furrowing of brows and manly grunting, they echoed. The rigging creaked peacefully as they slowed down looking for Delta Kappa Thighs.

Fully halfway aft, the Captain passed the signs for excessive azure hue on another deck, the apothecary and the newsagents that sold all sorts of classice sweeties. Puce deck was for relaxation and keeping the crew sane. Turning a corner, he was most surprised to find a sign for the...

HOLODECK.

"By the sweaters of Sabrina, a holodeck on a battleship?" He ejaculated manfully, frightening a large number of redskirts that had been going somewhere.

"Research Vessel, sir!" they chanted in unison.

"Still-"

"Essential psychotherapy, sir!" They were really quite good at it too. They could also goose step.

The doors to the Holodeck opened as they entered the sensitive area. Holodeck effects immediately leaked out. turning everything into a monstrous throbbing disco from The Era of Bad Taste. Mirror balls spinning, lights pulsating, pounding music, flares, cleavage, shoulderpads, sequinned battle-shorts and rainbow 'fros. "Eek!"

"Oh Doctor, I didn't recognise the cleavage." Captain Seymour Dicklogic had a master's degree in understatement, finally he got to use it!

"Not many people do. Sir, my eyes are up here."

The large group of redskirts filed in, as they did their uniforms endiscolated. An effect best imagined sober, to endiscolate when drinked is to risk never being able to return from...

SPOOKY DISCO MUSIC TIME!

It is a dimension as vast as the holodeck and as timeless as an entire episode. It is the middle ground between the bridge and the gun decks, between science and sausages and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowlege. This is the dimension of imagination that should not be. It is an area which we call The Disco Zone....

"It's the shoes." Captain Seymour Dicklogic was not used to looking up to a woman, being almost two metres of perfectly manicured testosterone. Well, not when standing anyway. Horizontally was another matter. He reached out and closed the doors.

DEAFENING SILENCE!

"Adjustable." Doctor Firm-Posterior pressed a button and operated some levers on her utility belt. Everything vanished in a blast of light and reformed as a perfectly normal Doctor's blue uniform. The shoes slowly deflated until their noses were level again.

Captain Seymour Dicklogic indicated the hair, the doctor still had an amazing Holodeck 'fro, rainbow coloured too. "Still as buggy as ever I see."

"You're lucky you missed the problem where we all had mullets" The doctor sighed.