CAPTAIN SEYMOUR DICKLOGIC - ONIGIRI!

Previously, we had to explain what happened in last week's episode as viewers have the attention span of a concussed mayfly. Millenials, can't take them with you, can't drop them on a carnivorous planet with no phone coverage!

Anyway, previously on CAPTAIN SEYMOUR DICKLOGIC - ONIGIRI, stuff happened. Some good, some bad, and some azure hue!

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Captain Seymour Dicklogic surveyed his fleet. It appeared to have pointy breasts that were most pointy. Possibly he was overdue for a visit to the opthal-opti- the guy who made those fabulous goggles. "Now what?" He asked the breasts.

To his surprise, the breasts answered, they were attached to Doktor Firm-Posterior, former acting captain and now thoroughly dishevelled. She put a strange book out of harms way. "You're the Captain, you decide. Officially we are on a five year caper to boldly split infinitives that no one has split before."

"Unofficially?"

"We are on a five year mission to boldly split infinitives that no man has split before, plus we can science the hell out of any Hive Collective ships we meet." She rolled over and checked her Haynes manual. Barbarian lords seemed to need a lot of taming.

"I see," Captain Seymour Dicklogic grunted, admiring the hand made quilt that decorated the Captain's Boudoir. "Where are we?"

"Near the scene of the last great battle before the end of series mayhem. The binary star system of Meatandtwoveg. It's been an uneasy peace since then." She looked at her notes and wondered why she was having to narrate. "A few skirmishes, the Hive Collective leaves our civilians alone, we do the same but military and shopping planets are fair game. Those and the giant spacegoing spendadromes like The Warmalt Morphine."

"What about the free planets?"

"We're supposed to ask them to join. The last one was a disaster though. Our negotiators turned out to be Hive Collective agents. Fortunately the planet failed one of our basic membership requirements." She inched up the bed and opened the locker, storing her Haynes manual and wondering what colour underwear to wear. Azure or azure, or red like the redskirts. She wondered what that was doing in her emergency cubby. Azure it was.

"I thought our requirements were pretty lax, not a Hive Collective planet, no Hive Collective bases un-bombed."

"No eating sentient beings. They used our entire quota of redshirts in one go!" She sat up, fortunately it was after the watershed and they wouldn't get sanctioned like last time, which caused her ratings to go through the ceiling tiles. "I shall have a shower during the advert break. Should I wash my hair?"

This was a tactic from her Haynes manual. It worked too.

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Fortunately for the doctor, the shower had a nuclear powered hair dryer that meant she was presentable by the time she arrived on the bridge. Captain Seymour Dicklogic grunted approvingly. He was of course, perfect. "Did I miss anyting?"

The screen was showing a Hive Collective ship in orbit around the planet below, it did not look well, bits kept leaping off.

Communications Playbeing Slime Dispenser perked up, and indeed they were perky too. her new uniform included Azure Hue proof glasses, they really helped. "Captain sir, incoming emergency call." He waved dismissively so she put it on the screens.

"I am Admiral Galloping Walrus of the Pink Acapella. You fired on us without provocation in direct violation of the treaty of Throbbing Poodle!" The distressed captain was in such dire-straits that his feather boa was ablaze.

Captain Seymour Dicklogic turned to his new First Officer, "There is such a thing? What does it say?"

"Ignoramus! The Treaty of Throbbing Poddle! was signed by your very own God-Emperor Bananasluggus Caesar at the end of last season. Didn't you get the memorandum? Or the press kit?"

The Captain surreptitiously pointed at the Master-at-arms, Tiffany Bangbangbangbangkaboom, "I think that calls for a party. Do we have any armageddon sausages?"

"Indeed Captain - shall I light the barbie?"

"No more fires on the bridge, I just washed my hair." Doctor Firm-Posterior complained, she was busy plaiting it into a long tail, planning to fit a hand-grenade bobble to the end for combat use.

"I'll use the patio." Tiffany Bangbangbangbangkaboom agreed.

FOOM!

"We need to celebrate treaties more often." Captain Seymour Dicklogic furrowed his brow as the striken space ship spiraled down into the clouds.

"You bounder! I'll--" the signal broke up in a pile of static.

"Wao, an honest to goats analogue video call in this day and age!" Communications Playbeing Slime Dispenser noted.