Captain Seymour DickLogic
19118 ~
TV
19118 ~
Previously, HMS Upskirt had arrived in orbit around an obscure body in the S-K System. None of the research probe data made any wildebeest-umbrella-pantaloon.
"Sir, We actually used the research proble launchers to launch some research probes!"
"Gold star!"
The obvious solution, send in the redshirts. Except they only had three left! The second solution, send the away team, which for some reason included most of the bridge crew and a large potted plant.
"Well, this is unusual." Captain Seymour Dicklogic admired the alien vista, it looked almost exactly like descriptions of the Hall of the Slain, Milton Keynes. This was not furrowing brow or clenching fist stuff. This was relax and stare in wonder while considering how many missiles would be needed to raze it to the ground and beyond.
"Indeed, I suspect cold medication." The science officer glared meaningfully at Doctor Firm Posterior. She was known for her degree in organic chemistry and her hobby of producing recreational chemicals for fun and prophet.
"Or wombats." The Doctor countered smoothly, after all, she was Doctor Firm Posterior and had a firm posterior, unlike the Science Officer who refused to tell anyone his real name out of fear of retribution from the fans of Slime Dispenser.
"Wombats?" Captain Seymour Dicklogic grunted querrulously. In answer, Doctor Firm Posterior pointed at a building nearby that looked strangely out of place, like a multiplex cinema in the middle of an open field.
The Stomping Wombat, good libations and vibrations.
"It looks a bit weird, sir."
"That's Communications Plaything Slime Dispenser, miss."
"Wait, who's the giant pineapple then?"
"I am a pineapple?" The First Officer asked, if he was, then it was an improvement.
"So, who's that dressed as The Vagendra of Manocide, with all those bows and ribbons in clashing colours."
"Don't be silly, the Vagendra of Manocide wouldn't be seen dead with blue hair and clashing ribbons!"
"I am the Vagendra of Manocide." The young woman in question struggled with a particularly malicious bow trying to eat her booties.
ZOWNT!!
That fixed the bow, but there were too many of them.
"She even sounds like her." The redshirt struggled to keep the rising panic out of his voice. A genuine The Vagendra of Manocide impersonator! "Why is she covered in all those bows and ribbons? She even has bows on her knees!"
"I do, do I? Why am I here?"
"Cold medication, probably." Doctor Firm Posterior observed sadly, if it was, then she would have to restock, this much group hallucination probably used several metric gallons of the good stuff.
The Vagendra struggled with the various adornments. "And the pub with the giant wombat?"
"Cold medication, probably." The doctor started helping to rip the ribbons and bows off. There were even a few tassles, they threw them as far as they could before they exploded.
"And all the muppets?" The Vagendra of Manocide felt something in her hair. It was a huge ribbon with a gignormous pink bow and bells on. She so wanted to blow her own head off with her handy meson cannon, but the battery was almost flat and it was barely capable of vaporising an errant wisp of blue hair.
The first officer almost missed his cue, busy admiring the pineapples on something. "Wait, what if the atmosphere of this planet is Cold Medication?" He offered, "or nyborg."
"Not nyborg, I'd lemon." The Science Officer pointed out, "Why would the research probes go all Jet-Engine-Wombat?"
"They contain a redshirt."
"Oh." That explained the shortage.
"Plot device?" The doctor offered, "keep still!" She brandished a pair of scissors of cutting at the Vagendra.
The Vagendra of Manocide glared at them. "You really need to stop leaving them out. Someone could cause real havoc with one!"
"Tell me about it," Captain Seymour Dicklogic grumbled drolly.
"That incident with the cream-cakes." Vagendra offered, absolutely rigid as the doctor had a pair of scissors of cutting and the co-ordination of a deranged wombat gooned on Nermisnorf.
"I remember that," Captain Seymour Dicklogic reminisced, furrowing his brow manfully at the strain. "We were banned. Everyone ended up in this weird sweetshop disco party thing."
Vagendra lamented, "The Evil Strawberry King nearly ate me. I had to hide in a chocolate eclair!"
"I only remember the mud wrestling." The science officer lamented sadly. Admittedly with Communications Plaything Slime Dispenser, but it had taken weeks to get rid of the smell of chocolate sauce.
"It all went downhill from there." Captain Seymour Dicklogic grunted. "I need a beer. Coming?"
"Are you going to get me drunk and take me to bed again?" The Vagendra of Manocide asked, she had just discovered that the back of her dress was one gigantic bow and that the skirts were now so short and bow-less that they stuck out at right angles.
"Yes. Wait. Again?"
"Well, come on then, captain's paying." The Vagendra headed for The Stomping Wombat, good vibrations and libations.
Doctor Firm-Posterior followed, tossing the last of the bows away. "Remember, not where the script writers can see you this time."
"Yes mum."
Doctor Firm Posterior tripped over a ribbon and fell flat on her face. "Mum?" She asked in perfect unison with Captain Seymour Dicklogic.
"What did I tell you about Plot Devices!" The Vagendra reached the door. "Gah! Get these stupid bows off me! They're worse than the Tribbles!"
"You have Tribbles?" The Science Officer and Slime Dispenser helped the doctor up and encouraged the red shirts to rip off the marauding bows and stomp on them.
"Ever since season two. They've eaten an entire moon made of Wensleydale and are encroaching on the Planet of Dislexya."
The Plot Device.
No one quite knows who invented it, or even if it was invented. The records are conveniently lost, as is the whole science base where it was purportedly annexed and a nearby planet they used for tasting.
There may be only one, there may be many. The Manliance uses them, or it, to tilt the odds and screw with the laws of cosmic causality.
The Hive Collective have proved it exists but are unable to get their hands on it due to it being a plot device. They believe it is around 66.6 centimetres long and resembles a green furry alligator.