Azure Hue?

These are the voyages of the HMS Upskirt, it's five year caper, to clench the fists and forrow the brows of---

---

The science officer grinned, "we replaced his folger's crystals with dilithium, this could be exciting."

Communications Officer Third Class Slime Dispenser pointed, "sir, your sensors are picking up an azure hue!"

"But we haven't even started! What's that you're holding?" The science officer accused the communications plaything.

"The plug sir. Even worse, sir, they aren't plugged in... Sir!"

PING!

"Coffee sir?"

"With or without dilithium crystals>"

"Yes."

SLURP!

"Oo, that hits the spot," the Science officer declared agreeably.

"Coffee for the sensors too?"

"I'm not sure azure hue and caffeine should be mixed. That might cause a-"

...

"Dramatic pause?" Slime dispenser was threading together straws to make a particularly long one, she also just happened to have a funnel. "Sirry sir. Forgot my lines sir. Plot Device."

Everyone on bridge frantically looked around for furry green reptiles, it wasn't clear why they should do this, but it was in the script.

"Speaking of plot devices. Where is our lovely captain?"

"The Captain is surveying Doctor Firm-Posterior's fleet."

The first officer breathed a huge sigh of relief. "At this rate, we could get through an entire episode with all our redskirts intact."

"no chance, something is bound to happen." The pilot noted glumly.

"Is the azure hue really necessary?" The First officer complained, "it makes everyone look unhealthy."

"It appears to be Cherenhov radiation from the coffee ma- plot device!" The Science Officer noted, wondering quite what it was powered by.

"Oh dear."

Doctor Firm Posterior cheerfully entered into the fray, having been hiding just out of sight and waiting for something inappropriate. "Don't worry. No one has died from drinking Heavy Water."

"Except thingy. You know, Thingy." The science officer contradicted, wondering what had happened to his capital letters.

"Thingy with the hair?" The doctor wondered aloud, "Or thingy with the amazing eyebrows and impenetrable accent?"

"Thingy with the sentient moustache." The science officer recalled althought the valiant effort of remembering that far back caused his head to start smouldering.

"Oh, Thingy! What was his name anyway?" Doctor Firm Posterior ejaculated as she hastily checked the script.

"Officer Big Thing?" Ensign Lovelyjugs asked, doing announcer duty in the corner by the door, she had jammed a spanner in it because all the SCHWOOP? SCHWINGE! noises had been getting on her nerves.

"Yes!" Doctor Firm Posterior ejaculated girlishly as she was a female of the feminine persuasion and clearly belonged in the kitchen, cooking some script writers. "Technically he didn't actually die to death from heavy water. He was poisoned by the Engine Room Nurses' still where they refine the grog. Concentrated Grog so strong you drank it with a fork. I wonder where he is now?"

Ensign Lovelyjugs perked up. "I think he's the Bosun now." She had been checking the credits and noticed the name.

The Bosum, Bosun Big Thyng♥, noted cheerfully that he actually got to say something. "Set phasers to kill."

"What about obliterate?" A stressed out redshirt complained, they knew they were expendable, it was no accident that redshirts were unable to get life insurance, they couldn't even get a line of credit at the canteen!

"What, and ruin their enjoyment?" The bosun roared cheerfully.

"M-m-m-mine only goes to stun!" A second redskirt stammered, it wasn't in the script, she was terribly nervous of being eaten.

"Get a new one from stores." The bosun boomed happily, this was incredible, he got to use so many big words!

"But we're just going to the toilet!" A redskirt complained.

"Do you know how many redskirts have been lost in the toilets?" The Bosun cheerfully asked in his best conspiratorial voice of conspiring.

"No sir!" The redshirts chanted together.

"Well, neither do I. But we can't afford to lose any more redskirts in this episode. Phasers to kill."

"SIR, YES SIR!"

"And remember to flush afterwards."

"Yes sir, s-s-s-s-s-sorry sir!"