Holodeck Promlebs.

The pilot polished his bonce to a high shine with Badger brand Bonce polish. It gave a distinctly better shine than normal brands and helped get rid of the remains of the holodeck 'fro. "It's quiet," he commented glumly, having moving incautiously and blinded himself with his own reflection. "too quiet."

The First Officer checked the cubby, "Coin in the meter?" He asked, rescuing the tin of Gerald Badger Courage brand bonce polish and wondering if it could be used for anything else.

"I checked that already, even checked the nine inch nails we swapped the fuses for when they exploded last time." The Science officer stared at the tin and pointed at the bin. A perfectly executed lob sent it sailing into the GARBOMAT(tm) Combined waste bin and used poodle disposer. Now with a safety switch override so you can _______! "The blinkenlights are blinking. Oh no, no azure hue!"

Communications Officher Slime Dispenser perked up perkily, "the coffee machine is Microsoft(C) azure hue with extra Cherenkov brand radiation today. I'll plug the sensors back in as soon as I can find an adapter."

"Is the Amplamator on?" The Pilot waved in the general director of Slime Dispensers amazing twiddle-knobs. No one knew what most of them did but they were ElectroCUTE(tm) brand and lovely Bakelite too. For knobs that need knobbing. The amplamator also went to 11.

"Yes sir!" Slime dispenser pointed at the glowing cavity, not actually a toaster although it could be mistaken for that, "coffee sir?" She poured some into a mug.

Everyone stared, the coffee, despite being lumpy and gloing a lovely shade of Microsoft(C) azure landed in the mug in complete silence. They all turned to the door just as the captain came in.

Captain Seymour Dicklogic surveyed his crew and furrowed his brow. "It's quiet. Too quiet. Something bad must have happened, I can feel it in my Trossachs." He noticed where they were looking, the announce corner next to the door.

It was empty. There was no sign of Ensign Lovelyjugs(tm) twice as bouncy as regular jugs, now available in pink and green! "Oh."

Communications Officer and plaything Slime Dispenser hastily plugged the sensors in and checked for Microsoft. "Sensor are not picking up any Microsoft(C) azure hue at all. Not a flicker. Nothing within an IKEA of us."

"A what?" Captain Seymour Dicklogic grunted.

"An IKEA, it's a unit of stellar distance!" Slime Dispenser pancaked cutely, checking her script. She was on her own, it was ad lib time! "It's the time light takes to travel to the furthest corners of an IKEA store of approximately 59000 square metres."

Captain Seymour Dicklogic didn't do scripted. He grunted manfully, he furrowed his brows and stared at the Communications Officer with his steely blue eyes. "Assuming an IKEA is square, that's a hair under 1 microsecond. Even if it was circular and full of water, that is still less than 2 microseconds."

"Yes sir, sorry sir!" Slime Dispenser stood in the corner an put the Big-D hat on, she picked up the script and stared. No wonder Ensign Lovelyjugs "Juggle those jugs for extra bounce♪" went through Octatherp brand Stoat Lozenges like there was no Tomorrow. It was entirely onomatopoeia.

The pilot had an idea and checked his calendar. "Could it be a national holiday and no one has told us?"

"It's not superbowl day. I cleaned the Saitama Supertoilet(TM) already. It's so clean you could have a concert there."

"Bah, that's nothing, The Raffles is now so clean Michael Jackson stayed there." The First Officer snapped. "Slime Dispenser, are you feeling all right?"

GRONK! WIBBLE! COUGH GASP WHEEEZE! "No sir, apparently Ensign Lovelyjugs has been kidnapped."

SHRUBBERY!! "I can't keep this up much longer, I don't have any Octatherps!"

Captain Seymour Dicklogic reached in his pocket, not that pocket, or the pocket with the ___________ in, the other one. He handed the Communications Plaything a small unmarked tin full of the universe's most powerful stoat lozenges. A brand so powerful that mention of the name caused catharsis and various tunes. "Pilot, what is that strange card with symbols on you are holding up?"

The pilot waved it around, "it's called an Earl, You Are Ell. Something to do with product placement."

"Well, put it away, I have duke and a meson canon."

"You should give that back to your girlfriend, The Vagendra of Manocide." The First officer admired the offending device. It was, indeed quite phallic. "Hang on, why do you have it in the first place?"

SCHWEEE! DOOR TYPE SOUNDY THING!

"Hello darlings!" The Vagendra of Manocide came onto the bridge, she was covered in stuff.

DRIP, SPLOT, SPLOT, DRIP, GLUDGE! "Er, Hi, you didn't kidnap Ensign Lovelyjugs did you? Only I'm uselesss at onomatopoeia." Slime dispenser wheezed until she had another of The Lozenge Whose Name We Must Not Say. That worked wonders, it also made her glow.

"Me? don't be ridiculous, I have a battalion of acapella maids for sound effects. You should hear it someday, come visit." The Vagendra of Manocide accepted a hanky and wiped the gore off her face. "I was visiting the script-writers."

"Can you ask them about this script? It's full of Product(TM) Placement rubbish about Microsoft(C) azure hue. and Plutonium-brand Self-warming coffee(TM)."

"Be my guest," the Vagendra offered, "I'm not actually sure you will get an answer though. Scriptwriters move in mysterious ways. Mostly south."

SCHWEEEP! DOOR TYPE NOISE!

A maid looked in, staring at the mess, glancing back at the trail. "Oh."

"Not now, Camel. The Captain was going to lend me his room of bathing and general cleanliness."

"And not a moment too soon." The maid sighed, wondering what was wrong with the young lady standing beside the door, she was glowing brightly. "You may wish to lay off Aunty Alice's mints. Three of those equals critical mass." She followed the Vagendra of Manocide out. She left a trail of Gubbins(TM) Genuine gruesome bits for film and stage.

COUGH GASP WHEEZE, GLOW BRIGHTLY! "Help I'm a sound effect!" Communications plaything Slime Dispenser wailed.

"Darling! You can wash my hair!" The Vagendra of Manocide called most inappropriately and completely without any product placement at all!

"No, he most certainly can not!" The maid complained.

"Ouanquère!"

The door closed silently. The scripts landed in the GARBOMAT(tm) and it choked to death on them.

"Mullet?" The Science officer asked?

"Make mine a ninety-nine." The First officer agreed as they got out the tankards. "Are you all right?"

GLOW BRIGHTLY! "No, I most certainly am not. Next episode we need to find Lovelyjugs first."