Azure Hue!

The Science Officer looked up. "Sensors indicate an azure hue!"

Captain Seymour Dicklogic furrowed his brow and grunted: "Great. Azure hue before breakfast. Where are we?"

"I know the feeling sir," Communications plaything Slime Dispenser chimed, "Mullet or Plutonicoffee?"

"Mullet, no sugar or cherios. Pilot, anything on the telly?" Captain Seymour Dicklogic waved in the general direction of the screen. For some reason there was a maid polishing it.

The First Officer finished checking, he was very thorough because sometimes alternate-facts could creep in. "In the Rumpo system sir, Near Rumpo Prime~ish." The captain was having his Mullet without cherries, it must be bad.

The Pilot checked his schedule, "Reruns of those historical documents."

"Star trek? Galaxy Quest?" The Science officer was a closet history buff, but what he did in the buff in the closet was ____________.

"Flash Gordon," the pilot pressed buttons and they admired the surface of planet Mongo. But something was horribly wrong. "Slime Dispenser, why are you wearing an azure battle bikini?"

"Ah, from the bad old days when no one could see in colour." The Science officer noted.

"It's been colourized! Sacrilege!" The Pilot realised what was wrong with Mongo, unable to stand the horror, he switched the screen back to the VCR. "And a large Hive Collective fleet of Bonervettes!" That was bad, azure hue bad.

Captain Seymour Dicklogic clenched his fists, fortunately he had already finished his mug of Mullet. "Pilot, head for the third moon of Rumpo Prime." He ordered.

"Not fight sir?" The first officer asked. That was unusual. But officially they were a research ship.

The Weapons Officer, Tiffany Bangbangbangbangkaboom noted sadly that Slime Dispenser really filled that battle bikini, "We are completely out of research probes due to next week's episode."

The Pilot fastened his seatbelt and looked in the mirrors, "Brace for handbrake turn! Deploying space anchors!"

Slime dispenser rushed to the corner next to the doors , "Just a second!" MINT UP!

AROOGAH! AROOGAH! WIBBLE! CRASH!!! SQUEEK!"

"Kya!"

GRONKLESPLINGE, SWAY!

"Iei!"

HEAVE! LUNGE!

Captain Seymour Dicklogic always kept his seatbelt fastened when seated, "Who went 'kya?'" he demanded, that was unlike his crew.

"Me sir, your sound effects are brutal." A maid admitted, emerging from hiding behind the Captain's chair, Her maidly uniform perfect in every detail, including the cat-ear hair band of a genuine Maid Centurion.

"Camel isn't it?" Captain Seymour Dicklogic recognised the frillies. "Why are you still here?"

"Sopwith! Maid Centurion Sopwith! I was cleaning up the mess the Vagendra of Manocide left." The maid answered, "Eric, stop polishing things, have you seen The Vagendra of Manocide today?"

"No ma'am." The maid with cat ears polishing the screen stopped, she had a little name badge on: "Maid Squadron Commander Eric, at your service sir." She beamed at the Captain, wondering why she was on such an untidy un-hively ship.

"Great. The Vagendra of Manocide is missing again."

"Does that shorten to anything?" The First Officer wondered, ""Like, say, Va-"

Sopwith the Maid Centurion smiled, "if you don't want to grow up to be puree, you should probably not finish that thought."

Slime Dispenser recovered from her mint, "a young woman stole my redskirt while I was having my morning jog."

"Full speed ahead!" The pilot put his special boot on the welly pedal.

WUB WUB WUB WUBBA WUBBA WUBBA FRAZZZZOOOM!!!!

"No ludicrous speed, I just washed my hair!" Sopwith the Maid Centurion complained as she she accidentally bounced across the bridge and landed on Captain Seymour Dicklogic's lap.

"Seatbelts save lives." The captain grunted manfully.

"You can save mine anyday." The other maid was holding on for effect.

The First Officer looked up from his historical documents. "Far be it from me to point out facts, but I was under the, possibly false, impression that Rumpo Prime only had two moons, Oo Matron, and Cor Blimey Missus."

"Rumpo Prime is particularly well endowed." The science officer stared Communications Playbeing Slime Dispenser inhaled two mints at the same time. She was taking this onomatopoeia thing way too seriously.

NEEDLE NARDLE NEE, NEEDLR NARDLE NOO, NEE NUMPA NOO!

"That is never a zither!"

"Pretty good though," the maid draped artlessly across the wall of sensors observed, the azure hue shone through her frillies and made for quite a surreal experience.

"Thank you," Slime Dispenser recovered from her mintogasm.

"The Third Moan! Moon!"

SHRUBBERY!

Maid Centurion Sopwith was terrified, only being hugged by pure manliness could calm her frilly underwear. "What the hell was that?"

Slime Dispenser waved her script and her tin of unmentionable mints, "it says here. Huge ominous sound effect a la Radiophonic Workshop."

Maid Squadron Commander Eric looked in her apron and pulled out a book, "The maoning moons of Rumpo Prine. A bodice exploder."

...

"So, what is it?" The First Officer stared at the moaning moon as it approached rabidly. Actually, they approached it, but they weren't allowed to throw cameras out into space, they were out of Reseach probes.

"Azure hue?"

"Not sure, did anyone check their script?" The Science officer asked.

"I did." Sopwith chimed in. "Where's The Vagendra of Manocide?" She pulled out a locket and showed everyone the hologram.

"That's the woman who stole my redskirt!" Communications Playbeing Slime Dispenser pointed out, "She was like, look at this lovely redskirt it doesn't show the blood at all. She went looking for scriptwriters too."

"So?"

The captain captained, he cogitated, he re-arranged the surfeit of maids on laps, which produced a "Iyan!" and he decided the manliest decision possible. "Pilot, fire the Albinoni at the third moon, then turn off all our lights, and hang a pinko. I mean, turn left. Quietly."

"The what?"

"We don't have an Albinoni!"

"We do now." Tiffany Bangbangbangbangkaboom engaged the knife switches, "don't polish the mercury arc rectifier when it is on you crazy maid."

"Eric Ma'am!"

"Whatever, just don't!" The turned the big variac knobs all the way to 11. Their Albinoni went that extra mile. It was one louder too. "Pilot, when you're ready." She handed him a red button. Never mind it was fitted to the head of a soft toy rabbit, it was the thought that counted.

PRESS!

KA-ZORCH!

"Kill the lights!" The Science officer opened the panel and pulled the main brearker.

"Ouch, that's going to leave a mark." Maid Centurion Sopwith noted, no wonder Hive Collective ships kept coming back as boxes full of wreckage 'damaged in transit.'

"Correct me if I am wrong, and I very frequently am, but I can hear disco music." The First officer wondered quite what to do with a maid polishing his nose with her tongue, but who was he to argue, this was probably the closest he was going to get to a cat-eared maid in his arms in the whole season.

"That's no moon..."

SHRUBBERY! "Sorry!" DRAMATIC CHORD!

Space lit up as the moon opened fire on the invading fleet that had had the temerity to try to sneak past the bouncers.

"That's the COSMOPOPE of the Church of Velfarre!" The Science Officer recognised the beat.

---

Sopwith had a mint and put on her best narrators voice, it was awesome, redshirts on the lower decks spontaneously detonated from the sexiness alone, never mind the words. "In space, no one can hear you disco. This is a good thing(tm) no complaints from the neighbours. Until now..."

AMAZING ACAPELLA DISCO! ( youtube! )

"Holy bat guano Slime Dispenser, lay off the mints!"

The First Officer struggled with the maid, "I didn't know Slime Dispenser went to 11."

"I did." The Science Officer grinned sheepishly.