Captain Seymour DickLogic
19118 ~
TV
19118 ~
Your beloved captain is back in his first new adventure since the previous one and the disastrous passing of the winds. The HMS Upskirt, now well overdue for a service and an oil change…
"No, no, no! You pronounce it Testosterone! Not Testosterone. It's Italian, like the soup" The man with the floofy clothes explained to a somewhat frustrated Ensign LovelyJugs who had never wanted to stand in for the narrator ever again. Not since that incident with the creamcakes anyway. "Tes-tos-tero-neigh!"
Captain Seymour DickLogic furrowed his brow at this minor distraction. The planet was nearly on screen and looked dangerous. "Ensign, use of excessive force condoned." He glanced in her direction briefly.
Ensign LovelyJugs nearly exploded. Such manliness directed at her! Fortunately Ensign issue bridge nappies could take on up to five times their initial mass before exploding too. She looked at her script. "Why don't you read it?" she offered to the elocution master.
"Very well, I expect a mention in the credits though." The floofy man looked at the script and wondered why it was covered with doodles of bunnies. "Captain Seymour DickLogic and the mancaves of planet testosteronARG!"
Ensign LovelyJugs retrieved her script and put her foot back down. A passing redskirt looked at the man on the floor. "Be a dear and deliver that to the Research Probes, it might be useful."
The poor redshirt quivered with delight, Ensign LovelyJugs had spoken to him! Admittedly that probably meant he was going to die this episode, but who cares, she had spoken to him!
"So," the captain glanced at Ensign LovelyJugs a second time in the same episode. Her Narrator's corner next to the fancy doors was in danger of flooding! "What does the script say?"
VLERP! BLIGGLE BLIGGLE GRONK! "Captain sir."
The Science officer looked up. "Sensors indicate an azure hue!" He boggled at the vision of Communications Plaything 2nd Class Slime Dispenser's underwear and the complete lack thereof for a second.
"Mullet sir?" The communications plaything offered, blissfully unaware of where her underwear actually was. "We have cherries or strawberries too."
Doctor Firm-Posterior pontificated on this as she dug in her doctors bag of holding and handed Ensign LovelyJugs a pair of Cosmically Zorched Unbelievably Absorbent Space Nappies mere seconds before detonation and flooding. "How azure?"
"Very, ma'am." The Science officer whimpered. He had the mullet with extra cherries, that was probably why.
GRUNT!
Captain Seymour DickLogic grunted manfully, "can we just destroy the planet from orbit?"
"Kya!" Ensign LovelyJugs nearly fell over, one leg in her new Cosmically Zorched Unbelievably Absorbent Space Nappies. She checked her script. "No sir! This is the pilot episode for season three! We need big ratings or the network executives will kill us off even faster than Firefly!"
"Put it away ensign LovelyJugs."
"Safe!" The science officer pointed at the clock on the wall, three minutes past the nine o'clock watershed.
The Planet loomed larger in the screen.
"Captain, dude, guy with the hair, I bring a message from she who decided to remain naked this episode." A maid of the most maidly proportions since episode thirty three appeared on screen, brandishing a loaded feather duster. "And I quote, darling, where's the towel? No wait. I mean, kya! Watch where you poke that thing!"
"Camel?" Captain Seymour DickLogic furrowed his fists, "why not let me talk to her?"
"Sopwith!" The maid snapped, "Daisy, put something on right this very minute!"
"Daisy?" Everyone on the bridge asked.
A young woman resplendent in only her hair and the maid frantically trying to hide the naughtiest bits with a feather duster appeared on screen. "Indeed, it is I, The Vagendra of Manocide." She declared, "Daisy Jones. Anyway, enough of my privates, the Hive Collective has been made aware that there are no less than three dangerously mad scientists hiding in the Mancaves of Testosterone-"
"no, no, you're pronouncing it wrong, it's Italian like-GLURK!"
"Maid, get yourself a new feather duster. " The young woman fortuitously now had a battle bikini on, a rather tasteful blue and gold one with a dozen medals printed on it too. "Even now, they are sending spy ships into the mancaves to see if these scientists have finally produced The ULTIMATE WEAPON ALL IN CAPITALS that will destroy the Manliance. Given that after six hundred years the Hive Collective still can't make decent gelato, I am opposed to this. So Camel-"
"Sopwith! Maid Centurion Sopwith!"
"will not tell you that the password is one-two-three-four and I will go destroy the Manliance Fleet amassing at the great blight." The Vagendra of Manocide picked up her handy mace of office and waved it around a few times. "Maid, change my luggage password."
"Oh, the blight brigade are going to get their comeuppance!" Weapons officer Tiffany Bangbangbangkaboomblooie noted, "not that they deserve it at all."
"Do tell." The Vagendra of Manocide now had fluffy slippers and a bunny ear hairband. She checked the switch and the ears moved of their own accord. "Maid, where's my fluffy morning star?"
"The one with the ribbons? I put it in the charger last night."
Captain Seymour DickLogic gestured to the weapons officer in a special secret sign language known only to people who actually read the training manual: GOAT PLECTRUM VALHALLA?
VALHALLA MINTAGASM ACAPELLA! Tiffany Bangbandbangboomkerbang gestured back.
"I didn't know you could say that with sign language." Doctor Firm-Posterior blushed, she hadn't got past volume five of the training manual, which was a pity as the later volumes made superior toilet paper.
"Fascinating. Maid, bring spares." The Vagendra of Manocide disappeared from the screen after wiggling her atomic fluffy bunny tail suggestively. The planet of Testosterone loomed even bigger.
"We could just, like, accidentally nuke it from orbit." The weapons officer offered optimistically. "I have a packet of fabulous special effects too!"