Thrust 1.

"Holy pewter receptacle! We've been novelised!" The Vagendra of Manocide barged into the captain's mancave wearing only a hair bobble and holding a book. She jumped on the bed, only just clearing the ring of soft toys that surrounded it.

Captain Seymour DickLogic grunted manfully and restrained the young woman wearing only a hair bobble. Was he concerned about her lack of trimmings, or the fact that one of the Manliance's greated enemies of the Spinward Sector had invaded his ship and penetrated all the way to the mancave armed only with a hair bobble, a book and her eternal youthfulness? "Nice cover art but I look better in real life."

"It's a painting. Do you really have a laser scimitar?" She asked, pointing at the curved weapon.

"Yes, but it eats batteries. On full charge it lasts about five minutes before it goes out. It's in the cupboard under the drinks bar." Captain Seymour DickLogic pointed at the ornate wooden bar in the corner of the mancave. For some reason there was a huge wrapped present shaped almost exactly like a unicorn on it. "Is that supposed to be you? What in the name of Disney are you wearing?"

The Vagendra of Manocide had no idea. It was certainly not her official robes, they made her look like a walking vagina. Which, while it was both anatomically and technically correct in some aspects, was an absolute pain to get dry cleaned. She turned to the back of the book. "Oh."

"Oh?" Captain Seymour Dicklogic grunted manfully, restraining the Vagendra of Manocide and removing her deadly hair bobble before she poked someone's brain out. "How 'oh' oh?"

"I need a drink, oh. One with a frightful Young's modulus." The Vagendra of Manocide declared, despite looking too young to be an alcoholic, the stress of her job made the average day a multiple margarita slaying.

"Hmm," Captain Seymour DickLogic hummed manfully to himself as he ran his hand through his magnificent hair and massaged his perfectly chiselled chini in thought. A shave of those magnificent whiskers was in order. But not while the Vagendra of Manocide was floating around or she'd ruin his cosmogalactirazor shaving her victims. The beginnings of white sideburns made him look distinguished, they were entirely the fault of the Vagendra of Manocide, A-lister enemy of the Manliance. He watched her disappear behind the counter and look in the back at all the bottles. "Cupboard on the right, behind the Maltese Falcon."

"The gold one? Or the Lead one?" She asked. Indeed, there was quite a selection of Maltese Falcons in the cupboards, some of them even had moustaches. "Found it!" She admired a strangely shaped bottle claiming to be: The Most Awesome Floor Polish Ever or your DT's back. "Ice? What do I dissolve it in?"

"Barbeing, instructions for Manlificent Coffee."

Something beeped, the astute listener would have recognised that this was a simulated recording of a classical or 8-bit beep in the key of Bb Major. It was just a beep.

"Step one, apply apron."